BEWARE OF THE PENGUINS

The clique of the penguin is often used to portray something that appears harmless but behind the outer appeal lurks a vice of destruction.  The countershading of the penguin actually causes a camouflage effect for the penguin.  Many times the analogy of a penguin is used as “one of stealing”. 

The Vice of Pornography

Pornography is any material or visual entertainment that uses images that are alluring to stimulate sexual feeling.  These images typically are immodest or indecent. 

The addiction to pornography has escalated at an alarming rate leaving marriages devastated.  This addiction is not limited to any income bracket or education level and what used to be mainly a male issue has now infiltrated into capturing females in a vice of destruction.  Porn is taking captive younger victims each hour.  This demoralizing vice lures in people at first in a seemingly innocent way (magazine covers, commercials, pop-up ads on internet) but takes you further than one could possibly imagine. 

Porn Statistics

by TRANSPARENT MINISTRIES on Feb 16, 2011 

Shocking Statistics (Why We Do What We Do):
• Sex is the #1 thing people search for on the Internet
• There are over 420 million Pornographic Internet pages
• 12 to 17 year olds are the largest consumers of Internet pornography
• 42.7% of Internet users view pornography
• The pornography industry is larger than the revenues of the top technology companies combined: Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo!, Apple, Netflix and EarthLink
• 70% of women keep their cyber activities secret
• Women, more than men, are likely to act out their behaviors in real life, such as having multiple partners, casual sex, or affairs.
• 68 million porn search engine requests daily
• 2006 Worldwide Porn Revenues = $97.06 billion

Source: http://internet-filter-review.toptenreviews.com/internet-pornography-statistics.html

• 7 of 10 lay leaders in the church admitted to visiting adult Web sites at least once a week
• 5 out of 10 pastors said they did the same.

Source: http://www.thealabamabaptist.org/print-edition-article-detail.php?id_art=3316

• 60% of all Christian men and 30% of all Christian women are addicted to pornography.
• 60% of the women who answered the survey admitted to having significant struggles with lust;
• 40% admitted to being involved in sexual sin in the past year; and 20% of the church-going female participants struggle with looking at pornography on an ongoing basis.

Source: http://christiannews.christianet.com/1154951956.htm
It’s more than statistics
It’s people.
It’s husbands, fathers, mothers, wives.
It’s children, sons, daughters.
It’s families, friends, co-workers.
It’s churches, ministries, the body of Christ.

Statistics only tell part of the story.
Statistics represent people you know.
People struggling with sexual addiction.

• Chuck Swindoll calls it “The #1 secret problem in your church.”

• Of the 10,000 calls, emails and letters Focus on the Family receives daily, this represent their number one incoming request for help overall.

• New Man Magazine’s most frequent request from readers is to refer them to a service or ministry that can help them with their sexual temptation. “New Man readers NEED this product.” – from a New Man representative

• Oprah calls it “America’s #1 addiction.”[i]

The stats for porn are truly alarming but what can be done to protect our marriages, martial relationship and children?  We should not wait until after marriage and the ravaging effects of pornography have transpired. 

If 12-17 year olds are the largest consumers of “internet porn” by the time they marry this addiction rules their life!  They will take the devastating effects of porn into their marriage which is a set-up for failure!  You must be willing to take a stand with your pre-teen and teenagers when it comes to their access on the internet.  Safeguards are a must and this will be a “fight” with your child that is worth it.  Your child will not want to have parameters placed on them but as a parent it is your job to parent them and not be their friend.  If these unseen predators can seize your child at a young vulnerable age they have a consumer/victim for life. 

When a spouse is involved in pornography it has a devastating effect on the marriage.  The effect of this demon can be just as tragic as or more tragic than that of having an affair.  This affects every aspect of marriage.

• Broken trust
• Lies
• Finance
• Sexual dysfunction
• Job performance
• Self-gratification with little regard to the spouse or children
• Takes the person deeper into areas they never thought they would go
• Endorphins of brain are affected so what satisfied yesterday no longer brings the excitement today, so the person dives deeper into the dark pit of porn.  They become a slave to this corruption.
• Their desire is never satisfied and they may begin to lure others into this darkness of sexual perversion.  They may even try to lure their spouse into their addiction in hope to find satisfaction but it will not satisfy.  The Bible says: 
  2 Peter 2:14(NLT)
  They commit adultery with their eyes, and their desire for sin is never satisfied. They lure unstable people into sin, and they are well trained in greed. They live under God’s curse.
• It is very common for men who are addicted to pornography to become impotent and not be able to function sexually with their wife.

Normally for a turn around to occur a crisis will take place; this crisis may be the wife discovering what she already suspected via the computer or cell phone history.  It may be a financial crisis of debt due to paying for sites on the internet.  For healing to take place a third party normally needs to help this couple via counseling.  The first step would be for the man to admit his wrong doing and yes this is like adultery.  Trust must be reestablished and this may take months or even years.  Safeguards need to be put in place.  Just as an alcoholic must put permanent safeguards around themselves so also a person who is endeavoring to be set free from pornography.  The wife will need to come to a place where she can forgive her husband if this marriage is to survive.  Forgiveness and trust are two different concepts and trust must be earned while forgiveness is given freely.  Enlisting an accountability partner will be of great value for the husband and the wife will also benefit greatly from counseling as well as another woman who has been through a similar circumstance.  This may be something that the couple wants to keep very private and not bring family or friends into so a support system of professionals is a must.  Unfortunately most pastors do not have the appropriate training to handle issues of this magnitude.  Finding a professional counselor who has experience in this or can refer the couple to a solid program will be paramount.  Chances are the couple will not be able to get through this by themselves.

The following is a great resource for help in seeking help for the issue of pornography:  http://www.covenanteyes.com 

 

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[i] http://www.transparentministries.org/porn-stats/

NEW YEAR GOALS

A new year is dawning and now is the time to evaluate a year gone by; the triumphs and the failures.  Setting the pace for a new year can be challenging and rewarding as you implement resolutions that will bring forth your best year yet as a married couple.

One of the best ways to prepare for a new year is by examining how you as a couple navigated 2012.  We suggest you take a look at several areas of marriage such as:

• Resolved and Unresolved conflict:  What issues were you as a couple able to resolve even if some compromise had to take place on both of your parts?  You will know you have gained victory in this area if it no longer taunts you or comes up when other conflict arises.  You will realize it as a positive experience and the results were implemented into your daily routines and traditions. It is extremely important to reflect on your triumphs because that will help fuel you as you apply these victories to other areas where you may have failed.  Discovering the difference between a need and a want will give clarity to the issues that went by the wayside.  What were you unable to resolve as husband and wife?  Make this a top priority for your new year.  Putting it off will only cause it to grow into   a deeper issue making it more difficult to resolve as years go by.  Unresolved issues normally cause tension, fear or anger when visited or remembered.  The dominating spouse can impose unwanted expectations or wills upon the less dominating or passive spouse.  Because no resolution has occurred with this conflict open wounds still exist and instead of a union being formed a wedge has been driven into the relationship.  Chances are unrealistic expectations have clouded both of your minds and you will need to come together as a team, lower the bar to achievable goals that can be met in an acceptable timeframe.  Share the goal do not allow self-centeredness to divide you as a couple, because a house divided against itself cannot stand.  Each of you should make a list of what you think it will take to resolve conflict and achieve the goal you have set.  Come together making adjustments to both of your lists that will be conducive for success. Learning new behaviors in resolving conflicts and implementing them will take some time and practice so be willing to own up to your failures, ask for forgiveness and also be quick to forgive when you have been offended.  There is a difference between forgiving and trusting.  Forgiveness is given freely and trust must be earned. 
• Your role as the husband: How have you as the husband measured up to what God has called you to according to the Bible?  How have you led your wife and family?  How have you loved your wife?  Does your wife’s appearance reflect radiance, splendor or glory?  Have you prayed for her on a regular basis?  Have you treated her kindly and as the weaker vessel?  How have you served your wife?  How have you provided for your wife and family?  Was there a willingness to sacrifice for her, setting aside your own desires?  As you answer these questions be willing to take ownership of weak areas, repent then ask for forgiveness. Make efforts to set in place behaviors that reflect what the Lord has called you to as the husband.
• Your role as the wife:  How have you as the wife measured up to what God has called you to according to the Bible?  How have you honored and respected your husband?  Have you fulfilled his sexual needs?  How have you aided or helped your husband as he has led you and your family?  Have you guarded your appearance remaining modest and reflecting purity?  Have you created in your home an atmosphere of peace and rest for your family?   How do you keep your home?  As you answer these questions be willing to take ownership of weak areas, repent then ask for forgiveness. Make efforts to set in place behaviors that reflect what the Lord has called you to as the wife.
• Honoring and safeguarding your relationship:  What boundaries have you put around your marriage that brought honor and safety to your relationship?  Were there any areas that allowed compromise or mistrust to occur?  What can you do as individuals and as a couple to reestablish trust in areas that have become vulnerable?
• Sex and Intimacy:  There are many opinions out there on what a healthy sex life is. We believe according to Scripture we are only to abstain from sex for a time of fasting and prayer. Most people do not fast longer than three days. We are told to come together again so that Satan does not tempt us. Many people assume that it is the woman who does not hold up her end of the deal when it comes to the sexual aspect of marriage. Yes, we counsel many women who purely do not care to have sex; however, we see many women who are sexually frustrated because of their husband’s lack of sexual interest.  1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (NKJV) says;  Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  How is your sex life?  Are there issues that you need to resolve?  What can ensure greater sexual fulfillment and intimacy in your marriage?

·         Were your financial goals achieved? Some yes, some no.  There is a covenant that God has mandated; when we as couples fulfill our part, we are guaranteed God will honor His Word to us. The principle of the tithe cannot be understated. If you want the financial aspect of your marriage to go well, you must adhere to the tithe. As a believer, the best financial plan set in place without the tithe will not allow God’s best to be fulfilled in your marriage and family.  Together determine to honor the Lord with your tithe.  We guarantee the Lord will not fail you because He always honors His Word.  Malachi 3:6-12 (ESV) says; For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. From the days of your fathers you have turned aside from my statutes and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts. But you say, “How shall we return?” Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, “How have we robbed you?” In your tithes and contributions. You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your vine in the field shall not fail to bear, says the Lord of hosts. Then all nations will call you blessed, for you will be a land of delight, says the Lord of hosts.

• How have you served the Lord together?  We always encourage couples to find a way to serve the Lord together in their local church or another ministry. This does not have to entail hours each week. It could be one hour a week or two to three hours a month. Serving together brings couples closer and creates a more intimate relationship with one another as well as with the Lord. When considering how or what you will do, we encourage you to take into consideration each other’s temperaments. If one person is outgoing but the other is not, you must find something that suits you both well. For instance, say one person is outgoing and the other is not. You could serve at your church’s coffee shop. The outgoing person could take the order; the introverted person could make the coffee. The point is you’re together doing something for the Lord. If that is not spiritual enough for you, try hosting a small group. The outgoing person could lead the study; the introverted person could make food or prepare the music. I think you get the general idea. Discovering how you would like to serve as a couple could be a fun date night, granting much conversation. You may have to try a few things and see what fits well for you. Examine what you are passionate about individually and as a couple when it comes to serving. Remember, we all go through seasons of life, and serving in ministry will change with your seasons as a family.
• Taking time to have fun.  All work and no play will make for a very mundane marriage and family.  Are you still dating?  Do you flirt with one another?  Do you make it a point to involve yourself in the interests of your spouse?  Think back to what your most memorable moments were as a couple and as a family.  What brings a smile to your face?  What causes you to laugh again as if it happened yesterday?  What did you really want to do but were not able to or just did not make time for?  This is the year to jump in and delight in one another.  Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame.  Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned.  Song of Solomon 8:6-7 (NLT) - His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that” Ephesians 5:2 (MSG)

THE CANDY CANE

Tis the season and the only time of the year when Candy Canes are a staple item in every home.  In fact they now come in every flavor imaginable.  Recently three of our GK’s (grandkids) spent the night.  It did not take them long to discover Papa had filled the Candy Cane house with several flavors of candy canes.  They had helped themselves to several of these delicious treats throughout their stay.  When it came time to deliver the GK’s to their rightful owners we told them they could take a candy cane home but they could not eat it until they were home.  About halfway into the trip home our granddaughter says; “Nana can you take the wrapper off my candy cane”?  My reply was; “no, we said you could not eat it until you get home”.  “But Nana, Tyler is eating his candy cane”!  Tyler says; “no I’m not, I am licking it”.  Now how could I possibly get mad when admiring the wit of my grandson?

I was reflecting on this scene when an analogy began to transpire in my mind.  Are we just like little kids trying to find a way to justify what we want to do even if we know it is wrong (sin)?  So easily we are deceived into thinking wrong choices or decisions are okay.  Just a little won’t hurt (licking the candy cane is not eating it). What is so wrong about taking a little taste? 

We learn in Genesis 4:6-7(NKJV); So the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen?  If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin lies at the door. And its desire is for you, but you should rule over it.”

Eventually sin will have its ugly way with us;

Ephesians 4:17-31(NLT)
With the Lord’s authority I say this: Live no longer as the Gentiles do, for they are hopelessly confused.  Their minds are full of darkness; they wander far from the life God gives because they have closed their minds and hardened their hearts against him.  They have no sense of shame. They live for lustful pleasure and eagerly practice every kind of impurity. But that isn’t what you learned about Christ.  Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception.  Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes.  Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.  So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.  And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.  If you are a thief, quit stealing. Instead, use your hands for good hard work, and then give generously to others in need.  Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.  And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.  Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. 

The Bible warns us about sin and what will transpire if we choose to walk down that road instead of staying on the straight narrow pathway; Matthew 7:13-14(NLT) “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way.  But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it.

The Word of God will show us the way, if we will only read it and put into practice what we have read.  Psalms 119:105(NKJV) Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.

Another year is coming to a close and the dawning of a new year will soon begin.  I challenge all of us to reflect back on 2012.  Where have we fallen short in our Christian walk?  What did we overcome?  Did we fall into to compromise and “lick the candy”?  Where did we shine and release; 2 Corinthians 2:15(NLT) Our lives are a Christ-like fragrance rising up to God. But this fragrance is perceived differently by those who are being saved and by those who are perishing. 

Candy Cane History and Legends:

Legend has it that in 1670, the choirmaster at the Cologne Cathedral in Germany handed out sugar sticks among his young singers to keep them quiet during the long Living Creche ceremony. In honor of the occasion, he had the candies bent into shepherds' crooks.

In 1847, a German-Swedish immigrant named August Imgard of Wooster, Ohio, decorated a small blue spruce with paper ornaments and candy canes. It wasn't until the turn of the century that the red and white stripes and peppermint flavors became the norm.

In Indiana, a candy maker wanted to make a candy that could be a reminder of Jesus Christ, so he made the Christmas candy cane. He started off with a stick of pure white hard candy. The white color symbolized the virgin birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and the hard candy symbolized the solid rock which was the foundation of the church, and firmness of the promises of God. The candy maker made the candy in the form of a J, which represented the name of Jesus and the staff of the Good Shepherds. He then stained it with three stripes which showed the scourging Jesus received, and symbolized the blood shed by Christ on the cross. When you break the cane, it reminds us that Jesus' body was broken for us.[i]

I have not been able to blog this last quarter of the year.  It has been a whirlwind...hopefully the New Year will bring new energy and I will be able to share our story of:  BLIND FAITH

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[i] http://www.spanglercandy.com/our-brands/candy-canes/legends

PEAK COLORS

PEAK COLORS
The northern states are experiencing what we call “peak colors”.  One of the privileges of living north is the fall brings with it crisp air and a landscape of breathtaking color.  I began to ponder this changing of season and how symbolic it can be when relating it to life.  The following paragraphs briefly describe what takes place as leaves change colors:

The way plants turn water and carbon dioxide into oxygen and sugar is called photosynthesis. That means "putting together with light." A chemical called chlorophyll helps make photosynthesis happen. Chlorophyll is what gives plants their green color.

As summer ends and autumn comes, the days get shorter and shorter. This is how the trees "know" to begin getting ready for winter.

During winter, there is not enough light or water for photosynthesis. The trees will rest, and live off the food they stored during the summer. They begin to shut down their food-making factories. The green chlorophyll disappears from the leaves. As the bright green fades away, we begin to see yellow and orange colors. Small amounts of these colors have been in the leaves all along. We just can't see them in the summer, because they are covered up by the green chlorophyll.

The bright reds and purples we see in leaves are made mostly in the fall. In some trees, like maples, glucose is trapped in the leaves after photosynthesis stops. Sunlight and the cool nights of autumn cause the leaves turn this glucose into a red color. The brown color of trees like oaks is made from wastes left in the leaves.[i]

The color green is commonly considered the “color” symbolic of life.  The “putting together with light” produces the life giving color of green.  The Christian believer is full of life when the light of Christ Jesus permeates their life.  If we take a look at Ezekiel 47:1-12 we will find there is a time coming…verse 12; Along the bank of the river, on this side and that, will grow all kinds of trees used for food; their leaves will not wither, and their fruit will not fail. They will bear fruit every month, because their water flows from the sanctuary. Their fruit will be for food, and their leaves for medicine.” 

 The leaves on the trees will stay green; full of life. In the physical as the “light” is removed the leaves begin to turn colors for a very short time until they have withered and fallen to the ground and death has occurred.  If you apply this to the spiritual aspect of our life when the light of Christ Jesus is dimmed our life begins to experience “death”.  We may think, be distracted or deceived because we see “an array of color” (sin never appears as it is), but in spiritual reality what is occurring is death.  Believers, we are to stay “green”, full of the light of Christ Jesus.

Matthew 6:22-23(NKJV)
“The lamp of the body is the eye. If therefore your eye is good, your whole body will be full of light.  But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

John 8:12(NKJV)
Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.”

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[i] http://www.sciencemadesimple.com/leaves.html

Money and Relationships

Unfortunately, many couples enter into marriage with a piggy bank mentality; it will all work out, and they do not form a structure for their finances. The piggy bank is their only form of saving. Even marriages with twenty years under their belt squeak by through life with the piggy bank mentality, living paycheck to paycheck, and have little hope for change.

It would be best to approach the subject of finance when both spouses have a fresh mind.  For example early in the day after they have showered had breakfast and have prepared  for the day.  Try to pick a time when other stress issues are not occurring if possible.  Although financial issues generally add stress to just about every aspect of marriage.  The couples must conduct themselves in a calm manner and if this is not possible they should seek a mediator.  Normally couples will exhibit a bit more of self control if another party is there but not always.  There are times when couples are looking for allies, someone to side with them.

Knowledge of each other’s temperaments can also be of great value.  A simple profile can be taken such as the Arno Profile System that will bring clarity to the temperament of each spouse.  This can bring revelation as to why an individual has the spending habits they do.  One may be a spender and the other a saver or they may both be spenders and this gives way for a more difficult resolution when it comes to finance but at least you are aware of it.

Endeavoring to resolve issues can be like the clashing of two cymbals together that are out of sync with the music. When cymbals are brought together at the appropriate time during a concert, they add a beautiful climax to the symphony being played; however, clash them at the wrong moment, and it can destroy the symphony. We have heard it said “it’s all in the timing,” and this is true when it comes to resolving conflict.

Many facets come into play when resolving conflict. Mastering two of the greatest principles of our faith will enable us not only to resolve conflict but also allow us to live in harmony. Repentance and forgiveness are paramount in our life if we want to be able to resolve conflict and establish good communication skills. Without repentance and forgiveness, there will be no lasting resolution to issues couples may face.

Before coming together we suggest each individual spend time seeking the Lord allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal and examine the intents of their heart in regards to money.  I assure you if you sincerely ask the Lord to give you revelation in this area He will.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10, NIV). As an individual or couple, coming clean or repenting of any un-confessed sin will help set the stage for lasting resolution to conflicts and create harmony in living.

Forgiveness is the next attribute we must examine thoroughly in our individual lives as well as our couple lives to be able to establish healthy conflict resolution, which has lasting effects. “To forgive is to set the prisoner free, then discover the prisoner was you” (Author unknown). A careful study of Matthew 18 will bring a greater awareness of the importance our Lord places on forgiveness. Please bear in mind this parable is about unforgiveness. The scriptures written prior to and after the parable deal directly with unforgiveness and its implications.

Once each individual has sought the Lord and come clean before Him they will be better equipped to work together as one for a permanent resolution to finance.  Hidden or unconfessed sin and unforgiveness can block us from the blessings of the Lord even if we are committed tithers. 

Each person must be willing to take responsibility for their own failure in regards to finance and come to an agreeable plan that will set in motion success.

·         List all debt

·         List all monthly expense

·         List all monthly income

Take a step of faith and commit to the tithe (the whole 10%).  Tithing is covenant; a covenant is a permanent arrangement of a promise by God and an obligation of terms to be fulfilled by His people. His people fulfill their part willingly and benefit greatly by God’s promise, which is always for their good. Throughout Scripture, these covenants have been declared by God. The word covenant occurs two hundred and eighty times in the Bible. The blessing for obedience and the curse for disobedience has been established by God if we obey or disobey. In Scripture, God has declared He is bound by His Word: “My covenant I will not break, nor alter the word that has gone out of My lips” (Psalm 89:34, NKJV). The CEV says, “I won’t break my agreement or go back on my word.” In Isaiah 40:8 (NKJV) we are reminded, “The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.” When it comes to finance and marriage, you have heard it before, but we must state it again. There is a covenant that God has mandated; when we as couples fulfill our part, we are guaranteed God will honor His Word to us. The principle of the tithe cannot be understated. If you want the financial aspect of your marriage to go well, you must adhere to the tithe. As a believer, the best financial plan set in place without the tithe will not allow God’s best to be fulfilled in your marriage and family.

Study the following scripture in reference to the tithe:

For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. From the days of your fathers you have turned aside from my statutes and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts. But you say, “How shall we return?” Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, “How have we robbed you?” In your tithes and contributions. You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your vine in the field shall not fail to bear, says the Lord of hosts. Then all nations will call you blessed, for you will be a land of delight, says the Lord of hosts.

Malachi 3:6-12 (ESV)

Both spouses must be willing to compromise and give up something in order to bring balance to this area of finance.  There can be no hidden secrets; you both must be an open book.  Choose a spending limit that both of you agree to that you will abide by.  For example if you are going to spend more than $35.00 on something that is not already in the budget you will call your spouse  and seek agreement on the expenditure.  Normally sleeping on something for 48 hours will curve any unnecessary spending because the urge will have dissipated by then. 

Drastic measures may need to be taken such as not carrying credit cards or debit cards in your purse or billfold and only carrying cash.  Once your cash is depleted you will soon realize the need for self control.  It amazes Dan and I where couples place their priorities.

A good rule of thumb:  Tithe 10%, save 10% and live on 80%

THE VALUE OF A MARRIAGE MENTOR

Marriage mentoring can be a tremendous benefit to any young couple or a couple who is struggling. A potential life-long friendship can develop between the couples or their relationship may last for a season of the mentorees’ marriage that enables them to set in place foundational principles and skills for a radiant marriage. A trust or bond is formed between these couples creating an atmosphere where the mentorees feel comfortable to ask questions and advice and the mentors are free to share their life experiences in marriage where there is no fear of judging one another or fearing confidentiality will be broken. Even if the mentoring relationship lasts for just a season of the married couple’s life, an impact or impression will take place that will have lifelong effects.

Traditional counseling is short-term and in a professional setting a client based relationship only is formed and there may not be enough time for the counselees to feel comfortable enough to open up and share what is truly in their hearts.  Typically speaking in traditional counseling you may not have a married couple as the counselors and the counselees may have trouble relating to just a male or female counselor.  When both male and female (team counselors and team mentors) are part of this relationship each person feels comfortable and understood. Another issue that can arise in traditional counseling is the couple is just going through the motions of pre-marriage counseling because it is required before they can get married.  The pre-marriage counseling becomes one of the “to-do’s” as they are planning their wedding.  We are truly advocates of pre-marriage counseling; if the engaged couple takes this counseling seriously the counseling will lay a solid foundation in their life to build a marriage upon.  Pre-marriage counseling is a fabulous tool, but it is the beginning process in a life-long commitment of learning together as you love and support one another in your marital union (think of it as one piece in your life puzzle).  The ideal scenario is to pair pre-marriage counseling with marriage mentoring but this is not always possible or available for all engaged couples.  Throughout the Bible mentoring or discipleship is displayed.  A few examples would be Moses and Joshua (Deuteronomy 1:38, 34:9), Elijah and Elisha (1 Kings 19:16) and Elizabeth and Mary (Luke 1:39-40).

Many times in marriage no matter how many years a couple has been married they may be at somewhat of an impasse, they may just want to fine-tune their marriage, or they may be seeking to prepare for marriage. If this couple is hesitant to seek professional counseling or finance is a huge issue for seeking marriage counseling finding an older couple who has a solid Christian marriage will give the couple the necessary tools to overcome their issues, bring freshness to a stale marriage and or prepare them for marriage.  The older couple has weathered a many storms thereby becoming a source of encouragement and comfort to the couple in need of help and a marital role model.  It is wonderful to know someone who has been through rough waters and emerged in a good place where their marriage is one that flourishes.  The older mentor couple will also be able to see your marital picture clearer without being one-sided as a parent or friend might be (they will remain neutral).  Marriage mentors are a fantastic resource with a wealth of experience and knowledge for couples to tap into.  Most couples are unwilling to ask parents or close relatives for advice.  If they were to ask and this was an area of conflict, sides will be taken.  Many young couples today do not even live in the same state that they grew up in making it very difficult to draw support from family members or friends.

When seeking a marriage mentor be sure to take into consideration:  

·         A Christian couple of similar faith who is strong in their faith and an advocate of marriage according to Biblical principles.

·         Do they have a solid marriage (no major martial conflicts), remember no marriage is perfect; all of us no matter how old we are will be working on improving our life and marriage.

·         It is a good idea if this couple is at least 15 years older because they will have passed through life experiences that you are now embarking upon.

·         Do they possess similar likes and interests as you?  You may find it hard to relate to another couple if they do not share common interests.

·         Do they have the time to share their life with you?  However you must be considerate of their time and respect they have a life also and cannot be on call 24 hours a day.

·         How far away do they live?  If they are more than 45 minutes away it may become a hindrance to meet together.

·         Will they be able to speak the truth in love with you and advise you if professional counseling is needed? What resources or connections do they have?

·         Can you trust them to remain confidential in what you share with them about your life and marriage?

The marriage mentor is not a professional counselor and should not be expected to give professional counsel; they are simple sharing life experience as an older wiser couple who has successfully navigated their martial journey this far.  The marriage mentor will need to recognize any serious issues the mentoree couple may have and encourage them to seek professional counsel.  

If the mentoree couple exhibits any of the following the mentor couple should encourage this couple to seek professional help:

·         They are at an impasse and cannot resolve any conflict that arises.

·         The couple will argue anywhere, insulting each other regardless of who they are in front of.

·         Is he or she unusually withdrawn or silent for long periods and withdrawn from other family members or friends?

·         Did he or she make an impulsive decision to suddenly quit a job, school, or hobby?

·         Did he or she show a sudden interest in a sport or hobby that takes them away from home several times a week or for long periods of time?

·         Has she or he become anorexic or bulimic?

·         Is he or she practicing any form of self-mutilation in the form of cuts or burns?

·         Has he or she developed any unusual fears?

·         Has he or she become depressed for a long period of time?

·         Have you noticed anger issues?

·         Do you suspect domestic violence is transpiring?

·         Have you become aware of any mental instability?

·         Has he or she shown any suicidal tendencies?

·         Is there any type of addictions such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or pornography?  Some evidence states that pornography is now the 5^th leading cause of divorce.

As marriage counselors we highly recommend young couples find an older seasoned couple who is rooted in God and be mentored by them.  We are advocates of marriage mentoring and developed and implemented a marriage mentor program in our church.  The young couples who participated in this program absolutely love it and have benefited greatly from their marriage mentors.  The mentors also have really enjoyed sharing their lives with these young couples and it has given them tremendous pleasure knowing that they have helped equip a younger couple to have a marriage that will last a lifetime.  After all the Bible does say; …it is more blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35

Lack of Sexual Interest in Marriage

Please note this article is rated PG18

In our counseling ministry it is a rare thing to find a couple whose sexual relationship is fulfilling and thriving.  In fact it does not seem to matter how old these couples are or how long they have been married. Newlyweds to senior citizens may have trouble in this area.   You may think this is solely an issue involving the wife in the marital relationship, however; that is not true.  In fact just as many women express their concern over their husband’s lack of interest in sex as do the men in their wives.

Various factors contribute to this escalating issue in regards to a fulfilling sexual union in marriage.  In some individuals these issues could have taken root as early as childhood depending upon the environment they grew up in.  They may take these unresolved hurts, issues, or misinformation into their marriage and add them to the other insufficiencies leading to a recipe for bedroom boredom or disaster. 

Prior to marriage when couples are dating they are pursuing the other in efforts to win their affection, approval and ultimately a love that will take them to the altar of matrimony.  They step out of their comfort zone into whatever personality that is needed to win the prize, “marriage”.  Many times after the wedding they quickly slip back into their God given temperament and all that effort soon dissipates into the day in day out normalcy of life.  They stop pursuing one another and this is very common problem. Time passes by and issues begin to surface that will cause the sexual relationship to deteriorate. 

Some of the deeper issues may be:

• How sex was viewed in the home they grew up in?  Was it viewed in a healthy way, as the Bible has portrayed it?
• Guilt from prior relationships they were involved in.
• Having sex before marriage.
• Living together prior to marriage.
• Pornography
• Having been sexually or physically abused.

If any of those issues in your life have not been resolved or healed we suggested you seek professional counseling.

• Some general issues may be:The couple stopped flirting with each other and dating has become non-existent.  Flirt with each other on a daily basis and make sure “date night” money is in the budget. Fostering a daily atmosphere of romance sets the standard for a great sex life.  We like to implement “Magical Marriage Moments”.  The definition of a Magical Marriage Moment is: taking an everyday circumstance and turning it into a magical memory of that moment!   Here is an example:   You are watching TV with your spouse. A commercial comes on with a barely dressed man or woman. Turn the TV off and look intently at your spouse. With complete sincerity say; “I only have eyes for you. You are the most incredibly beautiful/handsome woman/man I have ever laid eyes on; you still take my breath away.”
• When couples do not set up healthy boundary lines around their marital relationship and around relationships outside of marriage this enables “mistrust” issues to occur.  Safeguarding your relationship and keeping it pure in thought, word and deed should be a priority in your marriage.  Each of you should come up with ways to protect yourself and your spouse that is agreeable.  Be accountable to one another.
• Stress in the work setting, over committing oneself volunteering and the effects society has on marriage in regards to sexual purity all take a toll on couples and how they view and participate in the marital sexual relationship.  Addressing these issues, then defining and aligning themselves with the Biblical prospective of the marital union will help restore and edify this area in marriage.
• The couple has not cultivated intimacy in their marriage.  Sex without intimacy will die and become a meaningless act.  Developing sexual intimacy not only leads to a great sex life, it also adds great stability in remaining pure for the married couple. I cannot think of a greater way of developing intimacy than that of studying your spouse. Know what makes them tick; their likes, dislikes, hopes, fears, as well as dreams. Becoming an A+ student of your spouse will yield incredible dividends for years to come. This is one subject that does not end after a semester; it is a lifelong learning technique. Each of us as individuals is very unique and ever changing. We hear couples say all the time, “My spouse changed. They’re not like they were when we first married.” Yes, we are in a constant state of transformation and hopefully for the better. If we are seeking the Lord and striving for maturity as a believer, the Bible assures us, “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord” (2 Corinthians 3:18, NKJV).

• Not taking the time to learn your spouse; when it comes to love making.  Both of you must feel free to express yourself; without the fear of rejection or offending the other person.  Learn to speak the truth in love and put your spouse’s desires above your own.  They say knowledge is freedom and this is true when it comes to the sexual relationship.  Knowledge of the physical act of sexual intercourse is essential for a satisfying sexual relationship. Couples will assume this comes naturally; that is a fallacy. Making love is an art to be learned, and learning this art is a lifetime commitment. As we grow older our bodies change, and we must be willing to continue to learn and change as our bodies do.

Establishing trust and good communication skills in marriage will set a foundational stone in place where learning the art of love making will flourish more with each passing year.  However couples may feel insecure discussing their sex life with each other and do not know where to begin or how to approach this.  Remember obtaining knowledge about the act of sex and how our bodies are designed by God will help equip us in this area.  Purchasing a Christian book written on the subject or speaking with an older couple who has a great sex life will be beneficial.  A good time to discuss your sexual relationship may be while you are on a long walk and not when you are in the bedroom.  This will take the pressure off both of you and will not hinder you from expressing yourself.  Build each other up and determine together this is an adventure worth investing your time and energy into; make it a priority.  Support each other in your weaknesses as well in in your strengths.