Lack of Sexual Interest in Marriage

Please note this article is rated PG18

In our counseling ministry it is a rare thing to find a couple whose sexual relationship is fulfilling and thriving.  In fact it does not seem to matter how old these couples are or how long they have been married. Newlyweds to senior citizens may have trouble in this area.   You may think this is solely an issue involving the wife in the marital relationship, however; that is not true.  In fact just as many women express their concern over their husband’s lack of interest in sex as do the men in their wives.

Various factors contribute to this escalating issue in regards to a fulfilling sexual union in marriage.  In some individuals these issues could have taken root as early as childhood depending upon the environment they grew up in.  They may take these unresolved hurts, issues, or misinformation into their marriage and add them to the other insufficiencies leading to a recipe for bedroom boredom or disaster. 

Prior to marriage when couples are dating they are pursuing the other in efforts to win their affection, approval and ultimately a love that will take them to the altar of matrimony.  They step out of their comfort zone into whatever personality that is needed to win the prize, “marriage”.  Many times after the wedding they quickly slip back into their God given temperament and all that effort soon dissipates into the day in day out normalcy of life.  They stop pursuing one another and this is very common problem. Time passes by and issues begin to surface that will cause the sexual relationship to deteriorate. 

Some of the deeper issues may be:

• How sex was viewed in the home they grew up in?  Was it viewed in a healthy way, as the Bible has portrayed it?
• Guilt from prior relationships they were involved in.
• Having sex before marriage.
• Living together prior to marriage.
• Pornography
• Having been sexually or physically abused.

If any of those issues in your life have not been resolved or healed we suggested you seek professional counseling.

• Some general issues may be:The couple stopped flirting with each other and dating has become non-existent.  Flirt with each other on a daily basis and make sure “date night” money is in the budget. Fostering a daily atmosphere of romance sets the standard for a great sex life.  We like to implement “Magical Marriage Moments”.  The definition of a Magical Marriage Moment is: taking an everyday circumstance and turning it into a magical memory of that moment!   Here is an example:   You are watching TV with your spouse. A commercial comes on with a barely dressed man or woman. Turn the TV off and look intently at your spouse. With complete sincerity say; “I only have eyes for you. You are the most incredibly beautiful/handsome woman/man I have ever laid eyes on; you still take my breath away.”
• When couples do not set up healthy boundary lines around their marital relationship and around relationships outside of marriage this enables “mistrust” issues to occur.  Safeguarding your relationship and keeping it pure in thought, word and deed should be a priority in your marriage.  Each of you should come up with ways to protect yourself and your spouse that is agreeable.  Be accountable to one another.
• Stress in the work setting, over committing oneself volunteering and the effects society has on marriage in regards to sexual purity all take a toll on couples and how they view and participate in the marital sexual relationship.  Addressing these issues, then defining and aligning themselves with the Biblical prospective of the marital union will help restore and edify this area in marriage.
• The couple has not cultivated intimacy in their marriage.  Sex without intimacy will die and become a meaningless act.  Developing sexual intimacy not only leads to a great sex life, it also adds great stability in remaining pure for the married couple. I cannot think of a greater way of developing intimacy than that of studying your spouse. Know what makes them tick; their likes, dislikes, hopes, fears, as well as dreams. Becoming an A+ student of your spouse will yield incredible dividends for years to come. This is one subject that does not end after a semester; it is a lifelong learning technique. Each of us as individuals is very unique and ever changing. We hear couples say all the time, “My spouse changed. They’re not like they were when we first married.” Yes, we are in a constant state of transformation and hopefully for the better. If we are seeking the Lord and striving for maturity as a believer, the Bible assures us, “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord” (2 Corinthians 3:18, NKJV).

• Not taking the time to learn your spouse; when it comes to love making.  Both of you must feel free to express yourself; without the fear of rejection or offending the other person.  Learn to speak the truth in love and put your spouse’s desires above your own.  They say knowledge is freedom and this is true when it comes to the sexual relationship.  Knowledge of the physical act of sexual intercourse is essential for a satisfying sexual relationship. Couples will assume this comes naturally; that is a fallacy. Making love is an art to be learned, and learning this art is a lifetime commitment. As we grow older our bodies change, and we must be willing to continue to learn and change as our bodies do.

Establishing trust and good communication skills in marriage will set a foundational stone in place where learning the art of love making will flourish more with each passing year.  However couples may feel insecure discussing their sex life with each other and do not know where to begin or how to approach this.  Remember obtaining knowledge about the act of sex and how our bodies are designed by God will help equip us in this area.  Purchasing a Christian book written on the subject or speaking with an older couple who has a great sex life will be beneficial.  A good time to discuss your sexual relationship may be while you are on a long walk and not when you are in the bedroom.  This will take the pressure off both of you and will not hinder you from expressing yourself.  Build each other up and determine together this is an adventure worth investing your time and energy into; make it a priority.  Support each other in your weaknesses as well in in your strengths.