Marriage mentoring can be a tremendous benefit to any young couple or
a couple who is struggling. A potential life-long friendship can develop
between the couples or their relationship may last for a season of the
mentorees’ marriage that enables them to set in place foundational principles
and skills for a radiant marriage. A trust or bond is formed between these
couples creating an atmosphere where the mentorees feel comfortable to ask
questions and advice and the mentors are free to share their life experiences
in marriage where there is no fear of judging one another or fearing
confidentiality will be broken. Even if the mentoring relationship lasts for just
a season of the married couple’s life, an impact or impression will take place
that will have lifelong effects.
Traditional counseling is short-term and in a professional setting a
client based relationship only is formed and there may not be enough time for
the counselees to feel comfortable enough to open up and share what is truly in
their hearts. Typically speaking in
traditional counseling you may not have a married couple as the counselors and
the counselees may have trouble relating to just a male or female counselor. When both male and female (team counselors
and team mentors) are part of this relationship each person feels comfortable
and understood. Another issue that can arise in traditional counseling is the
couple is just going through the motions of pre-marriage counseling because it
is required before they can get married.
The pre-marriage counseling becomes one of the “to-do’s” as they are
planning their wedding. We are truly
advocates of pre-marriage counseling; if the engaged couple takes this
counseling seriously the counseling will lay a solid foundation in their life
to build a marriage upon. Pre-marriage
counseling is a fabulous tool, but it is the beginning process in a life-long commitment
of learning together as you love and support one another in your marital union
(think of it as one piece in your life puzzle).
The ideal scenario is to pair pre-marriage counseling with marriage
mentoring but this is not always possible or available for all engaged couples. Throughout the Bible mentoring or
discipleship is displayed. A few
examples would be Moses and Joshua (Deuteronomy 1:38, 34:9), Elijah and Elisha
(1 Kings 19:16) and Elizabeth and Mary (Luke 1:39-40).
Many times in marriage no matter how many years a couple has been
married they may be at somewhat of an impasse, they may just want to fine-tune
their marriage, or they may be seeking to prepare for marriage. If this couple
is hesitant to seek professional counseling or finance is a huge issue for
seeking marriage counseling finding an older couple who has a solid Christian
marriage will give the couple the necessary tools to overcome their issues, bring
freshness to a stale marriage and or prepare them for marriage. The older couple has weathered a many storms thereby
becoming a source of encouragement and comfort to the couple in need of help
and a marital role model. It is wonderful
to know someone who has been through rough waters and emerged in a good place
where their marriage is one that flourishes.
The older mentor couple will also be able to see your marital picture
clearer without being one-sided as a parent or friend might be (they will
remain neutral). Marriage mentors are a
fantastic resource with a wealth of experience and knowledge for couples to tap
into. Most couples are unwilling to ask
parents or close relatives for advice.
If they were to ask and this was an area of conflict, sides will be
taken. Many young couples today do not
even live in the same state that they grew up in making it very difficult to
draw support from family members or friends.
When seeking a marriage mentor be sure to take into consideration:
·
A Christian couple of similar faith who is
strong in their faith and an advocate of marriage according to Biblical
principles.
·
Do they have a solid marriage (no major martial
conflicts), remember no marriage is perfect; all of us no matter how old we are
will be working on improving our life and marriage.
·
It is a good idea if this couple is at least 15
years older because they will have passed through life experiences that you are
now embarking upon.
·
Do they possess similar likes and interests as
you? You may find it hard to relate to
another couple if they do not share common interests.
·
Do they have the time to share their life with
you? However you must be considerate of
their time and respect they have a life also and cannot be on call 24 hours a
day.
·
How far away do they live? If they are more than 45 minutes away it may
become a hindrance to meet together.
·
Will they be able to speak the truth in love
with you and advise you if professional counseling is needed? What resources or
connections do they have?
·
Can you trust them to remain confidential in
what you share with them about your life and marriage?
The marriage mentor is not a
professional counselor and should not be expected to give professional counsel;
they are simple sharing life experience as an older wiser couple who has
successfully navigated their martial journey this far. The marriage mentor will need to recognize
any serious issues the mentoree couple may have and encourage them to seek
professional counsel.
If the mentoree
couple exhibits any of the following the mentor couple should encourage this
couple to seek professional help:
·
They are at an impasse and cannot resolve any
conflict that arises.
·
The couple will argue anywhere, insulting each
other regardless of who they are in front of.
·
Is he or she unusually withdrawn or silent for
long periods and withdrawn from other family members or friends?
·
Did he or she make an impulsive decision to
suddenly quit a job, school, or hobby?
·
Did he or she show a sudden interest in a sport
or hobby that takes them away from home several times a week or for long
periods of time?
·
Has she or he become anorexic or bulimic?
·
Is he or she practicing any form of
self-mutilation in the form of cuts or burns?
·
Has he or she developed any unusual fears?
·
Has he or she become depressed for a long period
of time?
·
Have you noticed anger issues?
·
Do you suspect domestic violence is transpiring?
·
Have you become aware of any mental instability?
·
Has he or she shown any suicidal tendencies?
·
Is there any type of addictions such as alcohol,
drugs, gambling or pornography? Some
evidence states that pornography is now the 5th leading cause of
divorce.
As marriage counselors we highly
recommend young couples find an older seasoned couple who is rooted in God and
be mentored by them. We are advocates of
marriage mentoring and developed and implemented a marriage mentor program in
our church. The young couples who
participated in this program absolutely love it and have benefited greatly from
their marriage mentors. The mentors also
have really enjoyed sharing their lives with these young couples and it has
given them tremendous pleasure knowing that they have helped equip a younger
couple to have a marriage that will last a lifetime. After all the Bible does say; …it is more
blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35
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