NEW YEAR GOALS

A new year is dawning and now is the time to evaluate a year gone by; the triumphs and the failures.  Setting the pace for a new year can be challenging and rewarding as you implement resolutions that will bring forth your best year yet as a married couple.

One of the best ways to prepare for a new year is by examining how you as a couple navigated 2012.  We suggest you take a look at several areas of marriage such as:

• Resolved and Unresolved conflict:  What issues were you as a couple able to resolve even if some compromise had to take place on both of your parts?  You will know you have gained victory in this area if it no longer taunts you or comes up when other conflict arises.  You will realize it as a positive experience and the results were implemented into your daily routines and traditions. It is extremely important to reflect on your triumphs because that will help fuel you as you apply these victories to other areas where you may have failed.  Discovering the difference between a need and a want will give clarity to the issues that went by the wayside.  What were you unable to resolve as husband and wife?  Make this a top priority for your new year.  Putting it off will only cause it to grow into   a deeper issue making it more difficult to resolve as years go by.  Unresolved issues normally cause tension, fear or anger when visited or remembered.  The dominating spouse can impose unwanted expectations or wills upon the less dominating or passive spouse.  Because no resolution has occurred with this conflict open wounds still exist and instead of a union being formed a wedge has been driven into the relationship.  Chances are unrealistic expectations have clouded both of your minds and you will need to come together as a team, lower the bar to achievable goals that can be met in an acceptable timeframe.  Share the goal do not allow self-centeredness to divide you as a couple, because a house divided against itself cannot stand.  Each of you should make a list of what you think it will take to resolve conflict and achieve the goal you have set.  Come together making adjustments to both of your lists that will be conducive for success. Learning new behaviors in resolving conflicts and implementing them will take some time and practice so be willing to own up to your failures, ask for forgiveness and also be quick to forgive when you have been offended.  There is a difference between forgiving and trusting.  Forgiveness is given freely and trust must be earned. 
• Your role as the husband: How have you as the husband measured up to what God has called you to according to the Bible?  How have you led your wife and family?  How have you loved your wife?  Does your wife’s appearance reflect radiance, splendor or glory?  Have you prayed for her on a regular basis?  Have you treated her kindly and as the weaker vessel?  How have you served your wife?  How have you provided for your wife and family?  Was there a willingness to sacrifice for her, setting aside your own desires?  As you answer these questions be willing to take ownership of weak areas, repent then ask for forgiveness. Make efforts to set in place behaviors that reflect what the Lord has called you to as the husband.
• Your role as the wife:  How have you as the wife measured up to what God has called you to according to the Bible?  How have you honored and respected your husband?  Have you fulfilled his sexual needs?  How have you aided or helped your husband as he has led you and your family?  Have you guarded your appearance remaining modest and reflecting purity?  Have you created in your home an atmosphere of peace and rest for your family?   How do you keep your home?  As you answer these questions be willing to take ownership of weak areas, repent then ask for forgiveness. Make efforts to set in place behaviors that reflect what the Lord has called you to as the wife.
• Honoring and safeguarding your relationship:  What boundaries have you put around your marriage that brought honor and safety to your relationship?  Were there any areas that allowed compromise or mistrust to occur?  What can you do as individuals and as a couple to reestablish trust in areas that have become vulnerable?
• Sex and Intimacy:  There are many opinions out there on what a healthy sex life is. We believe according to Scripture we are only to abstain from sex for a time of fasting and prayer. Most people do not fast longer than three days. We are told to come together again so that Satan does not tempt us. Many people assume that it is the woman who does not hold up her end of the deal when it comes to the sexual aspect of marriage. Yes, we counsel many women who purely do not care to have sex; however, we see many women who are sexually frustrated because of their husband’s lack of sexual interest.  1 Corinthians 7:2-5 (NKJV) says;  Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  How is your sex life?  Are there issues that you need to resolve?  What can ensure greater sexual fulfillment and intimacy in your marriage?

·         Were your financial goals achieved? Some yes, some no.  There is a covenant that God has mandated; when we as couples fulfill our part, we are guaranteed God will honor His Word to us. The principle of the tithe cannot be understated. If you want the financial aspect of your marriage to go well, you must adhere to the tithe. As a believer, the best financial plan set in place without the tithe will not allow God’s best to be fulfilled in your marriage and family.  Together determine to honor the Lord with your tithe.  We guarantee the Lord will not fail you because He always honors His Word.  Malachi 3:6-12 (ESV) says; For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. From the days of your fathers you have turned aside from my statutes and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts. But you say, “How shall we return?” Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, “How have we robbed you?” In your tithes and contributions. You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your vine in the field shall not fail to bear, says the Lord of hosts. Then all nations will call you blessed, for you will be a land of delight, says the Lord of hosts.

• How have you served the Lord together?  We always encourage couples to find a way to serve the Lord together in their local church or another ministry. This does not have to entail hours each week. It could be one hour a week or two to three hours a month. Serving together brings couples closer and creates a more intimate relationship with one another as well as with the Lord. When considering how or what you will do, we encourage you to take into consideration each other’s temperaments. If one person is outgoing but the other is not, you must find something that suits you both well. For instance, say one person is outgoing and the other is not. You could serve at your church’s coffee shop. The outgoing person could take the order; the introverted person could make the coffee. The point is you’re together doing something for the Lord. If that is not spiritual enough for you, try hosting a small group. The outgoing person could lead the study; the introverted person could make food or prepare the music. I think you get the general idea. Discovering how you would like to serve as a couple could be a fun date night, granting much conversation. You may have to try a few things and see what fits well for you. Examine what you are passionate about individually and as a couple when it comes to serving. Remember, we all go through seasons of life, and serving in ministry will change with your seasons as a family.
• Taking time to have fun.  All work and no play will make for a very mundane marriage and family.  Are you still dating?  Do you flirt with one another?  Do you make it a point to involve yourself in the interests of your spouse?  Think back to what your most memorable moments were as a couple and as a family.  What brings a smile to your face?  What causes you to laugh again as if it happened yesterday?  What did you really want to do but were not able to or just did not make time for?  This is the year to jump in and delight in one another.  Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame.  Many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. If a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned.  Song of Solomon 8:6-7 (NLT) - His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that” Ephesians 5:2 (MSG)

THE VALUE OF A MARRIAGE MENTOR

Marriage mentoring can be a tremendous benefit to any young couple or a couple who is struggling. A potential life-long friendship can develop between the couples or their relationship may last for a season of the mentorees’ marriage that enables them to set in place foundational principles and skills for a radiant marriage. A trust or bond is formed between these couples creating an atmosphere where the mentorees feel comfortable to ask questions and advice and the mentors are free to share their life experiences in marriage where there is no fear of judging one another or fearing confidentiality will be broken. Even if the mentoring relationship lasts for just a season of the married couple’s life, an impact or impression will take place that will have lifelong effects.

Traditional counseling is short-term and in a professional setting a client based relationship only is formed and there may not be enough time for the counselees to feel comfortable enough to open up and share what is truly in their hearts.  Typically speaking in traditional counseling you may not have a married couple as the counselors and the counselees may have trouble relating to just a male or female counselor.  When both male and female (team counselors and team mentors) are part of this relationship each person feels comfortable and understood. Another issue that can arise in traditional counseling is the couple is just going through the motions of pre-marriage counseling because it is required before they can get married.  The pre-marriage counseling becomes one of the “to-do’s” as they are planning their wedding.  We are truly advocates of pre-marriage counseling; if the engaged couple takes this counseling seriously the counseling will lay a solid foundation in their life to build a marriage upon.  Pre-marriage counseling is a fabulous tool, but it is the beginning process in a life-long commitment of learning together as you love and support one another in your marital union (think of it as one piece in your life puzzle).  The ideal scenario is to pair pre-marriage counseling with marriage mentoring but this is not always possible or available for all engaged couples.  Throughout the Bible mentoring or discipleship is displayed.  A few examples would be Moses and Joshua (Deuteronomy 1:38, 34:9), Elijah and Elisha (1 Kings 19:16) and Elizabeth and Mary (Luke 1:39-40).

Many times in marriage no matter how many years a couple has been married they may be at somewhat of an impasse, they may just want to fine-tune their marriage, or they may be seeking to prepare for marriage. If this couple is hesitant to seek professional counseling or finance is a huge issue for seeking marriage counseling finding an older couple who has a solid Christian marriage will give the couple the necessary tools to overcome their issues, bring freshness to a stale marriage and or prepare them for marriage.  The older couple has weathered a many storms thereby becoming a source of encouragement and comfort to the couple in need of help and a marital role model.  It is wonderful to know someone who has been through rough waters and emerged in a good place where their marriage is one that flourishes.  The older mentor couple will also be able to see your marital picture clearer without being one-sided as a parent or friend might be (they will remain neutral).  Marriage mentors are a fantastic resource with a wealth of experience and knowledge for couples to tap into.  Most couples are unwilling to ask parents or close relatives for advice.  If they were to ask and this was an area of conflict, sides will be taken.  Many young couples today do not even live in the same state that they grew up in making it very difficult to draw support from family members or friends.

When seeking a marriage mentor be sure to take into consideration:  

·         A Christian couple of similar faith who is strong in their faith and an advocate of marriage according to Biblical principles.

·         Do they have a solid marriage (no major martial conflicts), remember no marriage is perfect; all of us no matter how old we are will be working on improving our life and marriage.

·         It is a good idea if this couple is at least 15 years older because they will have passed through life experiences that you are now embarking upon.

·         Do they possess similar likes and interests as you?  You may find it hard to relate to another couple if they do not share common interests.

·         Do they have the time to share their life with you?  However you must be considerate of their time and respect they have a life also and cannot be on call 24 hours a day.

·         How far away do they live?  If they are more than 45 minutes away it may become a hindrance to meet together.

·         Will they be able to speak the truth in love with you and advise you if professional counseling is needed? What resources or connections do they have?

·         Can you trust them to remain confidential in what you share with them about your life and marriage?

The marriage mentor is not a professional counselor and should not be expected to give professional counsel; they are simple sharing life experience as an older wiser couple who has successfully navigated their martial journey this far.  The marriage mentor will need to recognize any serious issues the mentoree couple may have and encourage them to seek professional counsel.  

If the mentoree couple exhibits any of the following the mentor couple should encourage this couple to seek professional help:

·         They are at an impasse and cannot resolve any conflict that arises.

·         The couple will argue anywhere, insulting each other regardless of who they are in front of.

·         Is he or she unusually withdrawn or silent for long periods and withdrawn from other family members or friends?

·         Did he or she make an impulsive decision to suddenly quit a job, school, or hobby?

·         Did he or she show a sudden interest in a sport or hobby that takes them away from home several times a week or for long periods of time?

·         Has she or he become anorexic or bulimic?

·         Is he or she practicing any form of self-mutilation in the form of cuts or burns?

·         Has he or she developed any unusual fears?

·         Has he or she become depressed for a long period of time?

·         Have you noticed anger issues?

·         Do you suspect domestic violence is transpiring?

·         Have you become aware of any mental instability?

·         Has he or she shown any suicidal tendencies?

·         Is there any type of addictions such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or pornography?  Some evidence states that pornography is now the 5^th leading cause of divorce.

As marriage counselors we highly recommend young couples find an older seasoned couple who is rooted in God and be mentored by them.  We are advocates of marriage mentoring and developed and implemented a marriage mentor program in our church.  The young couples who participated in this program absolutely love it and have benefited greatly from their marriage mentors.  The mentors also have really enjoyed sharing their lives with these young couples and it has given them tremendous pleasure knowing that they have helped equip a younger couple to have a marriage that will last a lifetime.  After all the Bible does say; …it is more blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35

Lack of Sexual Interest in Marriage

Please note this article is rated PG18

In our counseling ministry it is a rare thing to find a couple whose sexual relationship is fulfilling and thriving.  In fact it does not seem to matter how old these couples are or how long they have been married. Newlyweds to senior citizens may have trouble in this area.   You may think this is solely an issue involving the wife in the marital relationship, however; that is not true.  In fact just as many women express their concern over their husband’s lack of interest in sex as do the men in their wives.

Various factors contribute to this escalating issue in regards to a fulfilling sexual union in marriage.  In some individuals these issues could have taken root as early as childhood depending upon the environment they grew up in.  They may take these unresolved hurts, issues, or misinformation into their marriage and add them to the other insufficiencies leading to a recipe for bedroom boredom or disaster. 

Prior to marriage when couples are dating they are pursuing the other in efforts to win their affection, approval and ultimately a love that will take them to the altar of matrimony.  They step out of their comfort zone into whatever personality that is needed to win the prize, “marriage”.  Many times after the wedding they quickly slip back into their God given temperament and all that effort soon dissipates into the day in day out normalcy of life.  They stop pursuing one another and this is very common problem. Time passes by and issues begin to surface that will cause the sexual relationship to deteriorate. 

Some of the deeper issues may be:

• How sex was viewed in the home they grew up in?  Was it viewed in a healthy way, as the Bible has portrayed it?
• Guilt from prior relationships they were involved in.
• Having sex before marriage.
• Living together prior to marriage.
• Pornography
• Having been sexually or physically abused.

If any of those issues in your life have not been resolved or healed we suggested you seek professional counseling.

• Some general issues may be:The couple stopped flirting with each other and dating has become non-existent.  Flirt with each other on a daily basis and make sure “date night” money is in the budget. Fostering a daily atmosphere of romance sets the standard for a great sex life.  We like to implement “Magical Marriage Moments”.  The definition of a Magical Marriage Moment is: taking an everyday circumstance and turning it into a magical memory of that moment!   Here is an example:   You are watching TV with your spouse. A commercial comes on with a barely dressed man or woman. Turn the TV off and look intently at your spouse. With complete sincerity say; “I only have eyes for you. You are the most incredibly beautiful/handsome woman/man I have ever laid eyes on; you still take my breath away.”
• When couples do not set up healthy boundary lines around their marital relationship and around relationships outside of marriage this enables “mistrust” issues to occur.  Safeguarding your relationship and keeping it pure in thought, word and deed should be a priority in your marriage.  Each of you should come up with ways to protect yourself and your spouse that is agreeable.  Be accountable to one another.
• Stress in the work setting, over committing oneself volunteering and the effects society has on marriage in regards to sexual purity all take a toll on couples and how they view and participate in the marital sexual relationship.  Addressing these issues, then defining and aligning themselves with the Biblical prospective of the marital union will help restore and edify this area in marriage.
• The couple has not cultivated intimacy in their marriage.  Sex without intimacy will die and become a meaningless act.  Developing sexual intimacy not only leads to a great sex life, it also adds great stability in remaining pure for the married couple. I cannot think of a greater way of developing intimacy than that of studying your spouse. Know what makes them tick; their likes, dislikes, hopes, fears, as well as dreams. Becoming an A+ student of your spouse will yield incredible dividends for years to come. This is one subject that does not end after a semester; it is a lifelong learning technique. Each of us as individuals is very unique and ever changing. We hear couples say all the time, “My spouse changed. They’re not like they were when we first married.” Yes, we are in a constant state of transformation and hopefully for the better. If we are seeking the Lord and striving for maturity as a believer, the Bible assures us, “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord” (2 Corinthians 3:18, NKJV).

• Not taking the time to learn your spouse; when it comes to love making.  Both of you must feel free to express yourself; without the fear of rejection or offending the other person.  Learn to speak the truth in love and put your spouse’s desires above your own.  They say knowledge is freedom and this is true when it comes to the sexual relationship.  Knowledge of the physical act of sexual intercourse is essential for a satisfying sexual relationship. Couples will assume this comes naturally; that is a fallacy. Making love is an art to be learned, and learning this art is a lifetime commitment. As we grow older our bodies change, and we must be willing to continue to learn and change as our bodies do.

Establishing trust and good communication skills in marriage will set a foundational stone in place where learning the art of love making will flourish more with each passing year.  However couples may feel insecure discussing their sex life with each other and do not know where to begin or how to approach this.  Remember obtaining knowledge about the act of sex and how our bodies are designed by God will help equip us in this area.  Purchasing a Christian book written on the subject or speaking with an older couple who has a great sex life will be beneficial.  A good time to discuss your sexual relationship may be while you are on a long walk and not when you are in the bedroom.  This will take the pressure off both of you and will not hinder you from expressing yourself.  Build each other up and determine together this is an adventure worth investing your time and energy into; make it a priority.  Support each other in your weaknesses as well in in your strengths.

IMPRINTS part #2

And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Genesis 2:18(NKJV)

Wow, the Lord knew Adam would be lonely and He created all these animals for Adam to care for, nurture and keep him company but none would be found comparable to Adam.  So the Lord pays Adam a holy visitation and an imprint is brought into his life which I am sure he never forgot!  You see a true imprint can never be washed away or forgotten.

And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. 
Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.
And Adam said:      “This is now bone of my bones     And flesh of my flesh;     She shall be called Woman,     Because she was taken out of Man.” Genesis 2:21-23(NKJV)

Then God Himself performs the first wedding ceremony!!

V 24-25 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

From the very beginning of time the Lord instituted a covenant that affects us all in one way or another.  Whether we are the off-spring of this covenant or we are married.  Nothing will ever remove the marriage union, not man, Politian or times.  The Lord set forth this covenant and no amount of man’s doings will ever abolish it.  Oh, yes they will try but I am telling you it will endure.  You see even in Biblical times those people tried to pervert it but Jesus said;

Mark 10:3-9(NKJV)
And He answered and said to them, “What did Moses command you?”
They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.”
And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. 
But from the beginning of the creation, God ‘made them male and female.’  
‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, 
and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 
Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Things appear dark out there in regards to marriages; it is time to turn our hearts back and reestablish solid foundations for marriages to be built upon and take part in a Holy union that is a reflection of Jesus Christ and the Bride…that is without spot or wrinkle!

To be cont’d…imprints



OPPOSITES ATTRACT - Like Magnets

Every married couple would benefit greatly if they were to take some sort of temperament profile.  The knowledge obtained in these profiles is indispensable and can be used throughout the entire marriage.  The Lord created us all uniquely and there is no “bad” temperament.  Every temperament has its strengths and weaknesses. Understanding this will enable each individual and couple, accompanied with the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome weak areas in their temperaments.  Happiness and the ability to get along in marriage is greatly dependent on how well each spouse understands his or her partner’s temperament and how willing he or she is to meet that partner’s temperament needs.

An introverted person (such as a melancholy) tends to be a loner and prefers to be at home instead of in a crowd.  This type of person likes to choose where, when and with whom they will socialize with. They are highly selective when they choose their friends and very selective at choosing a spouse.   When they choose a friend it is for life.  An introverted person needs a great deal of alone time to regenerate and process their day and each day before them; they are true “thinkers”.   They are very detail orientated and will take their time investigating any pitfall that could transpire. A melancholy (introvert) has low energy levels and they will monitor their energy throughout the day.  They show their love or communicate love by doing tasks.  The need to talk is not a high priority for them unless there is a task to be completed.  However, when they do talk or communicate they will have something very important to convey.  This presents a problem within their marriage because by the time they have processed and endeavored to communicate all their unmet needs to their spouse conflict between the couple may have escalated to a major level, because of the lack of general conversation.  Introverts generally do not require a lot of touching, hugs or kissing and their words are few (they do not say “I love you”, often) so this also causes a breakdown in the marital relationship when married to an extrovert who requires a great deal of touching, hugs and kissing and verbal – “I love you(s)”.  Making the introvert aware of their temperament and encouraging them to learn how to express themselves better with their spouse will ease marital conflict.

The extrovert (Sanguine) is high energy, extremely social and loves to talk.  It really does not matter to them what they talk about as long as they can talk.  Now, this “talking” is superficially and normally does not have “depth”; versus their melancholy partner who when they decide to talk has scrutinized every word they will say.  The extrovert loves life, and lives for the moment giving little regard to the ramification of what they do.  They can have a hot temper and blow-up very easily but five minutes later forget what caused the blow-up.  There will never be enough money for them to spend, activities to do, or noise to surround them.  Unfortunately they love to talk but their listening skills tend to be poor and their attention span is short so unless they are interested in what you are saying they may just walk away.  If you did not have the extrovert (Sanguine) there would be no party because they tend to be the life of the party, entertaining all around them.

The reason opposites attract is because the opposite has what we need to experience a fuller life.   We are not only attracted to that temperament but need them in our own life to accomplish areas we are unable to.  In other words normally we are attracted to temperaments which possess strong attributes in areas we tend to be weak in.

How to communicate needs within marriage for couples where one is extroverted and the other is introverted:

Each person needs to study their spouse’s temperaments and be aware of their strengths, weaknesses and how to meet each area of need in that spouse.

The extrovert needs to recognize this about their spouse (the introvert):

• They need alone time that is quiet to be able to regenerate before they can resolve a conflict.
• Give them advance warning of no less than a week for any activates you wish for them to participate in.
• Because part of their temperament is a fear of financial failure you yourself will need to learn to budget money.
• Never criticize your spouse in front of anyone; this would be devastating to them.
• Watch your spouse for signs of depression, know them and draw them out – help them to tell you just exactly what is going on in their head.
• As the introvert:  Learn to express your feelings, express love toward your spouse, forgive easily, and allow your spouse to get into your space.

The introvert needs to recognize this about their spouse (the extrovert):

• They have a great need to socialize and be the center of attention.  They have a high energy level and you need to help them use this energy in a constructive manner.  If they are away from people and activates for too long they will become irritated.  Learn for yourself how you can join them in activities.
• Daily they will need for you to tell them that they are loved.   Your extroverted spouse also needs a great deal of touching, hugs and kisses.  This will take you beyond your comfort zone; but you can do this through learned behavior. 
• Find ways you can become part of your spouse’s active world, even if it is in a task orientated way (that will flow well with your temperament).

Our human nature is very self-centered, which is why the Bible encourages us to die to self and put others first. As we grow and mature in the Lord and in years, we learn the great necessity of dying to self. Unfortunately, even the most spiritually mature person will succumb to the flesh and need to apply conflict resolution to their marriage. Knowing our spouse’s temperament will help equip you with the tools in how to approach your spouse reach a resolution to conflict.

The National Christian Counselors Association recognizes a combination of over 4000 different temperaments.

Opposites attract (and react): Navigating personality differences within your marriage

WHAT EMPTY NEST?

I am not certain how the term empty nest came about when referring to parents whose children have left home.  When I mull this term through my mind it seems to me our “land” has greatly expanded.  I realize bird’s grandbirds do not come home for a visit nor do they babysit for those grandbirds; but let’s be real here, once our children leave home the multiplication factor kicks in.  In fact our grandchildren (GK’s) make themselves right at home when they come to our house.  The car doors fly open and you can hear the announcement of their arrival before they touch the doorknob.  We love it!

Isaiah 54:2(ESV)
    “Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes.

We are living this passage in more ways than one!

Married couples - the most important tip in dealing with the empty nest syndrome is; become each other’s best friends prior to the children leaving home.

• Always put your spouse above yourself, think of them first and do for them first.
• Find ways daily to be a blessing to your spouse.  Blessing will begat blessing.  Eventually your spouse will reciprocate and both of you will absolutely love being around each other 24x7.
• Be experts at conflict resolution.  Know how to resolve your issues in a calm quick manner.
• Start taking walks, not only is the exercise good for you but you will both talk with one another sharing your life, hopes and dreams.
• Discover what interest or hobbies you both have and share them together. Examples:  walking, biking, boating, kayaking, tennis, cross country skiing, golf, and if sports are not your forte try:  cards, puzzles, gardening, landscaping – I think you get the idea.
• Learn how to compromise and enjoy what your spouse may enjoy even if it is not your favorite thing to do.
• Volunteer in a ministry or non-profit organization together.  This will cause a greater intimacy in your relationship and will be very rewarding also.
• Do your chores together – two hands are better than one and you will be surprised how quickly the time will fly by as you accomplish the mundane.
• Whatever projects your spouse is involved in, find a way to become part of it and enjoy it with them.
• Once grandchildren have come on the scene, play a paramount role in their life.  Developing a close relationship will the grandchildren will bring years of a very special close knit family.

Finding ways to enjoy life together and fill in the timeframes that would have been prior taken by the children will reduce the anxiety of; what will I do with myself now.  This will also keep you from becoming overly involved in your childrens lives when they are endevouring to establish their own families and homes.

If you are a single empty nester, following the tips above by yourself or with a close friend will benefit you also.

We have been empty nesters for eleven years now.  Occasionally my heart (Penny) will feel the achy – I wish my children were young again.  However, the majority of the time we are thrilled to spend our days with each other as best friends.  We are able to do things we could not do when the children lived at home.  Our time that we spend together now is treasured and valuable; we believe it is a gift!

Psalms 16:6(ESV)
    The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.