Money and Relationships

Unfortunately, many couples enter into marriage with a piggy bank mentality; it will all work out, and they do not form a structure for their finances. The piggy bank is their only form of saving. Even marriages with twenty years under their belt squeak by through life with the piggy bank mentality, living paycheck to paycheck, and have little hope for change.

It would be best to approach the subject of finance when both spouses have a fresh mind.  For example early in the day after they have showered had breakfast and have prepared  for the day.  Try to pick a time when other stress issues are not occurring if possible.  Although financial issues generally add stress to just about every aspect of marriage.  The couples must conduct themselves in a calm manner and if this is not possible they should seek a mediator.  Normally couples will exhibit a bit more of self control if another party is there but not always.  There are times when couples are looking for allies, someone to side with them.

Knowledge of each other’s temperaments can also be of great value.  A simple profile can be taken such as the Arno Profile System that will bring clarity to the temperament of each spouse.  This can bring revelation as to why an individual has the spending habits they do.  One may be a spender and the other a saver or they may both be spenders and this gives way for a more difficult resolution when it comes to finance but at least you are aware of it.

Endeavoring to resolve issues can be like the clashing of two cymbals together that are out of sync with the music. When cymbals are brought together at the appropriate time during a concert, they add a beautiful climax to the symphony being played; however, clash them at the wrong moment, and it can destroy the symphony. We have heard it said “it’s all in the timing,” and this is true when it comes to resolving conflict.

Many facets come into play when resolving conflict. Mastering two of the greatest principles of our faith will enable us not only to resolve conflict but also allow us to live in harmony. Repentance and forgiveness are paramount in our life if we want to be able to resolve conflict and establish good communication skills. Without repentance and forgiveness, there will be no lasting resolution to issues couples may face.

Before coming together we suggest each individual spend time seeking the Lord allowing the Holy Spirit to reveal and examine the intents of their heart in regards to money.  I assure you if you sincerely ask the Lord to give you revelation in this area He will.

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10, NIV). As an individual or couple, coming clean or repenting of any un-confessed sin will help set the stage for lasting resolution to conflicts and create harmony in living.

Forgiveness is the next attribute we must examine thoroughly in our individual lives as well as our couple lives to be able to establish healthy conflict resolution, which has lasting effects. “To forgive is to set the prisoner free, then discover the prisoner was you” (Author unknown). A careful study of Matthew 18 will bring a greater awareness of the importance our Lord places on forgiveness. Please bear in mind this parable is about unforgiveness. The scriptures written prior to and after the parable deal directly with unforgiveness and its implications.

Once each individual has sought the Lord and come clean before Him they will be better equipped to work together as one for a permanent resolution to finance.  Hidden or unconfessed sin and unforgiveness can block us from the blessings of the Lord even if we are committed tithers. 

Each person must be willing to take responsibility for their own failure in regards to finance and come to an agreeable plan that will set in motion success.

·         List all debt

·         List all monthly expense

·         List all monthly income

Take a step of faith and commit to the tithe (the whole 10%).  Tithing is covenant; a covenant is a permanent arrangement of a promise by God and an obligation of terms to be fulfilled by His people. His people fulfill their part willingly and benefit greatly by God’s promise, which is always for their good. Throughout Scripture, these covenants have been declared by God. The word covenant occurs two hundred and eighty times in the Bible. The blessing for obedience and the curse for disobedience has been established by God if we obey or disobey. In Scripture, God has declared He is bound by His Word: “My covenant I will not break, nor alter the word that has gone out of My lips” (Psalm 89:34, NKJV). The CEV says, “I won’t break my agreement or go back on my word.” In Isaiah 40:8 (NKJV) we are reminded, “The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.” When it comes to finance and marriage, you have heard it before, but we must state it again. There is a covenant that God has mandated; when we as couples fulfill our part, we are guaranteed God will honor His Word to us. The principle of the tithe cannot be understated. If you want the financial aspect of your marriage to go well, you must adhere to the tithe. As a believer, the best financial plan set in place without the tithe will not allow God’s best to be fulfilled in your marriage and family.

Study the following scripture in reference to the tithe:

For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. From the days of your fathers you have turned aside from my statutes and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you, says the Lord of hosts. But you say, “How shall we return?” Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, “How have we robbed you?” In your tithes and contributions. You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithes into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your vine in the field shall not fail to bear, says the Lord of hosts. Then all nations will call you blessed, for you will be a land of delight, says the Lord of hosts.

Malachi 3:6-12 (ESV)

Both spouses must be willing to compromise and give up something in order to bring balance to this area of finance.  There can be no hidden secrets; you both must be an open book.  Choose a spending limit that both of you agree to that you will abide by.  For example if you are going to spend more than $35.00 on something that is not already in the budget you will call your spouse  and seek agreement on the expenditure.  Normally sleeping on something for 48 hours will curve any unnecessary spending because the urge will have dissipated by then. 

Drastic measures may need to be taken such as not carrying credit cards or debit cards in your purse or billfold and only carrying cash.  Once your cash is depleted you will soon realize the need for self control.  It amazes Dan and I where couples place their priorities.

A good rule of thumb:  Tithe 10%, save 10% and live on 80%

OPPOSITES ATTRACT - Like Magnets

Every married couple would benefit greatly if they were to take some sort of temperament profile.  The knowledge obtained in these profiles is indispensable and can be used throughout the entire marriage.  The Lord created us all uniquely and there is no “bad” temperament.  Every temperament has its strengths and weaknesses. Understanding this will enable each individual and couple, accompanied with the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome weak areas in their temperaments.  Happiness and the ability to get along in marriage is greatly dependent on how well each spouse understands his or her partner’s temperament and how willing he or she is to meet that partner’s temperament needs.

An introverted person (such as a melancholy) tends to be a loner and prefers to be at home instead of in a crowd.  This type of person likes to choose where, when and with whom they will socialize with. They are highly selective when they choose their friends and very selective at choosing a spouse.   When they choose a friend it is for life.  An introverted person needs a great deal of alone time to regenerate and process their day and each day before them; they are true “thinkers”.   They are very detail orientated and will take their time investigating any pitfall that could transpire. A melancholy (introvert) has low energy levels and they will monitor their energy throughout the day.  They show their love or communicate love by doing tasks.  The need to talk is not a high priority for them unless there is a task to be completed.  However, when they do talk or communicate they will have something very important to convey.  This presents a problem within their marriage because by the time they have processed and endeavored to communicate all their unmet needs to their spouse conflict between the couple may have escalated to a major level, because of the lack of general conversation.  Introverts generally do not require a lot of touching, hugs or kissing and their words are few (they do not say “I love you”, often) so this also causes a breakdown in the marital relationship when married to an extrovert who requires a great deal of touching, hugs and kissing and verbal – “I love you(s)”.  Making the introvert aware of their temperament and encouraging them to learn how to express themselves better with their spouse will ease marital conflict.

The extrovert (Sanguine) is high energy, extremely social and loves to talk.  It really does not matter to them what they talk about as long as they can talk.  Now, this “talking” is superficially and normally does not have “depth”; versus their melancholy partner who when they decide to talk has scrutinized every word they will say.  The extrovert loves life, and lives for the moment giving little regard to the ramification of what they do.  They can have a hot temper and blow-up very easily but five minutes later forget what caused the blow-up.  There will never be enough money for them to spend, activities to do, or noise to surround them.  Unfortunately they love to talk but their listening skills tend to be poor and their attention span is short so unless they are interested in what you are saying they may just walk away.  If you did not have the extrovert (Sanguine) there would be no party because they tend to be the life of the party, entertaining all around them.

The reason opposites attract is because the opposite has what we need to experience a fuller life.   We are not only attracted to that temperament but need them in our own life to accomplish areas we are unable to.  In other words normally we are attracted to temperaments which possess strong attributes in areas we tend to be weak in.

How to communicate needs within marriage for couples where one is extroverted and the other is introverted:

Each person needs to study their spouse’s temperaments and be aware of their strengths, weaknesses and how to meet each area of need in that spouse.

The extrovert needs to recognize this about their spouse (the introvert):

• They need alone time that is quiet to be able to regenerate before they can resolve a conflict.
• Give them advance warning of no less than a week for any activates you wish for them to participate in.
• Because part of their temperament is a fear of financial failure you yourself will need to learn to budget money.
• Never criticize your spouse in front of anyone; this would be devastating to them.
• Watch your spouse for signs of depression, know them and draw them out – help them to tell you just exactly what is going on in their head.
• As the introvert:  Learn to express your feelings, express love toward your spouse, forgive easily, and allow your spouse to get into your space.

The introvert needs to recognize this about their spouse (the extrovert):

• They have a great need to socialize and be the center of attention.  They have a high energy level and you need to help them use this energy in a constructive manner.  If they are away from people and activates for too long they will become irritated.  Learn for yourself how you can join them in activities.
• Daily they will need for you to tell them that they are loved.   Your extroverted spouse also needs a great deal of touching, hugs and kisses.  This will take you beyond your comfort zone; but you can do this through learned behavior. 
• Find ways you can become part of your spouse’s active world, even if it is in a task orientated way (that will flow well with your temperament).

Our human nature is very self-centered, which is why the Bible encourages us to die to self and put others first. As we grow and mature in the Lord and in years, we learn the great necessity of dying to self. Unfortunately, even the most spiritually mature person will succumb to the flesh and need to apply conflict resolution to their marriage. Knowing our spouse’s temperament will help equip you with the tools in how to approach your spouse reach a resolution to conflict.

The National Christian Counselors Association recognizes a combination of over 4000 different temperaments.

Opposites attract (and react): Navigating personality differences within your marriage