Every married couple would
benefit greatly if they were to take some sort of temperament profile. The
knowledge obtained in these profiles is indispensable and can be used
throughout the entire marriage. The Lord
created us all uniquely and there is no “bad” temperament. Every temperament has its strengths and
weaknesses. Understanding this will enable each individual and couple,
accompanied with the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome weak areas in their temperaments. Happiness and the ability to get along in
marriage is greatly dependent on how well each spouse understands his or her
partner’s temperament and how willing he or she is to meet that partner’s temperament
needs.
An introverted
person (such as a melancholy) tends to be a loner and prefers to be at
home instead of in a crowd. This type of
person likes to choose where, when and with whom they will socialize with. They
are highly selective when they choose their friends and very selective at
choosing a spouse. When they choose a friend it is for life. An introverted person needs a great deal of
alone time to regenerate and process their day and each day before them; they
are true “thinkers”. They are very detail orientated and will take
their time investigating any pitfall that could transpire. A melancholy
(introvert) has low energy levels and they will monitor their energy throughout
the day. They show their love or communicate love by doing tasks. The need to talk is not a high priority for
them unless there is a task to be completed.
However, when they do talk or communicate they will have something very
important to convey. This presents a
problem within their marriage because by the time they have processed and
endeavored to communicate all their unmet needs to their spouse conflict
between the couple may have escalated to a major level, because of the lack of
general conversation. Introverts
generally do not require a lot of touching, hugs or kissing and their words are
few (they do not say “I love you”, often) so this also causes a breakdown in
the marital relationship when married to an extrovert who requires a great deal
of touching, hugs and kissing and verbal – “I love you(s)”. Making the introvert aware of their
temperament and encouraging them to learn how to express themselves
better with their spouse will ease marital conflict.
The extrovert
(Sanguine) is high energy, extremely social and loves to talk. It really does not matter to them what they
talk about as long as they can talk.
Now, this “talking” is superficially and normally does not have “depth”;
versus their melancholy partner who when they decide to talk has scrutinized
every word they will say. The extrovert
loves life, and lives for the moment giving little regard to the ramification
of what they do. They can have a hot
temper and blow-up very easily but five minutes later forget what caused the
blow-up. There will never be enough
money for them to spend, activities to do, or noise to surround them. Unfortunately they love to talk but their
listening skills tend to be poor and their attention span is short so unless
they are interested in what you are saying they may just walk away. If you did not have the extrovert (Sanguine)
there would be no party because they tend to be the life of the party,
entertaining all around them.
The reason opposites attract is because the opposite has what we need to experience
a fuller life. We are not only
attracted to that temperament but need them in our own life to accomplish areas
we are unable to. In other words
normally we are attracted to temperaments which possess strong attributes in
areas we tend to be weak in.
How to communicate
needs within marriage for couples where one is extroverted and the other is
introverted:
Each person needs to study their spouse’s temperaments and
be aware of their strengths, weaknesses and how to meet each area of need in
that spouse.
The extrovert
needs to recognize this about their spouse (the introvert):
- They need alone time that
is quiet to be able to regenerate before they can resolve a conflict.
- Give them advance warning
of no less than a week for any activates you wish for them to participate
in.
- Because part of their
temperament is a fear of financial failure you yourself will need to learn
to budget money.
- Never criticize your
spouse in front of anyone; this would be devastating to them.
- Watch your spouse for
signs of depression, know them and draw them out – help them to tell you just
exactly what is going on in their head.
- As the introvert: Learn
to express your feelings, express love toward your spouse, forgive easily,
and allow your spouse to get into
your space.
The introvert
needs to recognize this about their spouse (the extrovert):
- They have a great need to
socialize and be the center of attention.
They have a high energy level and you need to help them use this
energy in a constructive manner. If
they are away from people and activates for too long they will become
irritated. Learn for yourself how
you can join them in activities.
- Daily they will need for
you to tell them that they are loved.
Your extroverted spouse also needs a great deal of touching, hugs
and kisses. This will take you
beyond your comfort zone; but you can do this through learned
behavior.
- Find ways you can become
part of your spouse’s active world, even if it is in a task orientated way
(that will flow well with your temperament).
Our human nature is
very self-centered, which is why the Bible encourages us to die to self and put
others first. As we grow and mature in the Lord and in years, we learn the
great necessity of dying to self. Unfortunately, even the most spiritually
mature person will succumb to the flesh and need to apply conflict resolution
to their marriage. Knowing our spouse’s temperament will help equip you with the
tools in how to approach your spouse reach a resolution to conflict.
The National
Christian Counselors Association recognizes a combination of over 4000
different temperaments.
